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Let's all stop groping in nightclubs, yeah?


Ah my university days... I spent hours reading in my little dorm room, wandering my adoptive city (Liverpool) and dancing all night to music I couldn't stand (The Killers were at their height). Oh, and, of course, being felt up by men in clubs.

Having my bum squeezed at the bar, a creeping hand slide around my waist, or my chest brushed as I walked to the toilet was, for me, as much of a university experience as hangovers and Hollyoaks. In fact, age has nothing to do with it - it was happening when I was 16, and even now in my 30s I've been grabbed on a night out. The most recent time was out with my husband, even though he had his arm around me. (Secretly I was quite pleased about that one, because I am always trying to explain to him how common this creepy behaviour is, and it made me feel weirdly justified.) Basically anytime I've been somewhere dark, with music playing, drinks flowing and strangers around, my body has been quite literally up for grabs.

I mean - what is that all about?! That's a rhetorical question, because it's about power. It's not about coming on to a girl or being a bit cheeky, it's about showing your dominance, and taking what you want, when you want it. It's nearly always men who are alone rather than with friends, and the most demoralising bit is usually how completely unabashed they look when you turn around to stare at them. Their bored expression could be utterly intimidating.

Worried you haven't felt angry enough today? Take a look at this insightful exchange from The Student Room:


Yeah girls, wtf is wrong with YOU that when you go to a club and someone who you've never even seen before comes up behind you and pinches your bottom without saying anything, and then withdraws back into his creepy dark corner where he never dances, smiles or talks to anyone but just waits for the next available crotch to touch...that you LOVE it, and demonstrate that by being too scared and shocked to respond in a way that Mourinhoswave thinks is appropriate. What a blatant lack of respect you have.

Well, Mourinhoswave, we need to have a little chat. Pull up a chair, sunshine, and let's talk about a little something called 'victim blaming'.

Firstly - if I get intimately touched by someone I don't know (or in fact someone I do know who hasn't been given express permission), I am not the one at fault. Let's just have a look at this - person A goes to a nightclub to spend time with friends and dance. Person B goes to hide in a corner and grab random women's breasts. I think if anyone has questions to answer, it's not me.

Yes, when I was younger my friends and I would point and laugh in disgust at our gropers, and move to another section of the dance floor (until it happened again) hoping to humiliate them into better behaviour. How we responded was bloody well up to us. Men like you, Mourinhoswave, should be very thankful that women sometimes bottle up our feelings because I'm not sure you could handle the torrent of raw, red-hot rage we've been suppressing since our teens (or earlier).

Secondly, you're forgetting that there's a risk involved. Turning and screaming at a strange man - especially one who so isn't worried about assaulting women - puts you in a very vulnerable position. If I had told bouncers, what would they have done? I hope most decent clubs and bars would take action, but I can't help suspecting that many wouldn't. Would I have been asked to leave? Or not believed?

And isn't that basically a microcosm of rape culture? Girl/woman gets assaulted, and doesn't do anything because she's worried about the consequences.

This is the problem with shrugging things off, whether it's sexist comments or groping or whatever. Small actions that go unchecked build up. Certain types of men feel invincible, and wield their power more and more violently.

It's not my responsibility to respond in a particular way - I am the victim, and it's my own goddamn business how I want to deal with things - but from now on I've decided not to take it any more. As long as I'm not putting myself in direct danger, I will be calling these guys out. If security don't listen, I will be going to management, and then press. No more Ms Nice Gal.



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