Common rape myths

It's time to kill some ridiculous rape myths!

When you write about rape and sexual violence, or work with survivors, or even just exist in the world with other people and newspapers and Piers Morgan, you're likely to encounter rape myths.

The word myth makes me think of minotaurs and cyclops, and in a way rape myths are similar. They are gross, the pop up without warning while you're trying to do your thing, and they need a fucking axe to the head. (Apologies to any minotaur fans, it's been a while since I took a classics class)

You might not think you're familiar with any, but they often come dressed as facts or - even worse - as kindly advice to women. Again, axe.

[Note: I know that rape isn't by any stretch of the imagination a crime against women alone, and that it can be just as devastating for male survivors. However, this blog will mostly be talking about sexual violence in relation to women, because I'm trying to untangle the problems of popular culture and rape, which, by and large, are set up to attack women rather than men. It's a patriarchy thing. I hope this won't offend male survivors, and please know that there is excellent support available for men and boys as well as women and girls at Rape Crisis England and Wales.]

Here are some of the most popular, and why they are total rubbish:

1. If you get raped when you're drunk, on drugs or were wearing something provocative, it's your fault. You were asking for it. 

Please excuse me while I go and wipe the foam of rage from my mouth before I tackle this one...
So one of THE MOST common themes of living in a rape culture is victim blaming. Oh, how the media, parents, old men in the street, and even (appallingly) the police on occasion, l-o-v-e to make rape the woman's problem.

The point is that NO ONE EVER ASKS TO BE RAPED. Women, all women, should be able to - if they choose - to walk around naked, blind drunk and out of their heads, without the expectation of being raped.
(Also semantics point I will mention again and again until it sinks in...by definition no one wants/asks to be raped. If you want it, it isn't rape, it is consensual sex.)

Consider how ridiculous it is, and insulting to decent men, that there's an assumption that men can't physically control themselves. That they would see a woman in a vulnerable position, or a short skirt, and think 'well, I clearly have no other option but to take advantage of this. And the best part is, society can blame her for it afterwards.'

And the law agrees - consent can ONLY be granted by someone with the freedom and capacity to make that choice, ie not someone who is high or drunk.

Apart from anything else, I have a huge problem with the phrase 'asking for it'. Unless you actually ask, with physical words from your mouth (ie consent) then it's not for anyone else to interpret your actions.

We live in modern times - if women want to sleep with you, they are more than capable of leaving you in no doubt. They don't need to use a skirt as some sort of sexual semaphore.
In fact, it's almost like the way a woman dresses has nothing to do with you at all...

• For more on the media's obsession with skirt length, here's a piece I wrote for Grazia.

Once more for the people at the back - if it has happened to you or a friend or a family member, it is not your fault or their fault. Rape is the rapist's fault. They made the choice, not you.

2. If you didn't fight back, it wasn't really rape

Ah another classic piece of dickery. I can only assume that anyone who says this has never been through a traumatic event.

If you've ever had a loved one die, or be involved in an accident, you probably know that trauma can do strange things. You might have physical symptoms such as sickness or shaking, you might break down or - as is common - you might feel numb. 

You might go into autopilot, planning a funeral or making hospital visits in a sort of robot state - doing what needs to be done before you address your grief or fear at a later time.

This is common, this is normal, and it is often the same for victims of rape. It's a matter of survival, both on an emotional level but also on a very real physical level - if someone is overpowering you, it can be a matter of life or death whether you fight back.

Rape Crisis England and Wales ran a brilliant #Ijustfroze campaign, highlighting that going into shock rather than fighting an attacker is normal and happens often. 

Added to which, what the 'but why didn't you hit him?' brigade don't consider is that in 90% of rape cases, the perpetrator is already known to the victim, they could even be their husband or partner. The victim may be in denial that anything is wrong, and need the emotional space to unpackage the experience at a later point, when they feel safe.

It's not up to anyone else to tell you how you feel or what you've experienced, yet of course people do it almost unthinkingly all the time.

3. Women often lie about being raped

This one is easy to understand - and I'm laying the blame at the feet of the media. There's a bizarre reporting bias, which means the odd instances of false rape accusations are nearly always headline news, while the thousands of rape trials that are successful in prosecuting rarely make the news.

This is demonstrated in a report called Charging Perverting the Cause of Justice and Wasting Police Time in Cases Involving Allegedly False Rape and Domestic Violence Allegations, which looks at data from 2013 and says:

"In the period of the review, there were 5,651 prosecutions for rape and 111,891 for domestic violence. During the same period there were 35 prosecutions for making false allegations of rape, 6 for making false allegation of domestic violence and 3 for making false allegations of both rape and domestic violence."

Thinking about the coverage, it's actually shocking how these are represented in the media.

And of course that data is ONLY about the cases of rape and domestic violence that were not only reported, but made it to court - the actual figures of crimes committed will be staggeringly higher.

Why is the reporting so skewed ? Well that's a complex one that this blog is seeking to untangle. In a nutshell it's because the tabloid media is primarily a heterosexual, white, male voice (even, strangely, when many writers are women) and there is a dominant narrative around the male experience of rape.

The media viewpoint seems to primarily be: 'wouldn't it be awful to be accused of rape, rather than 'wouldn't it be awful to be raped'. Of course these problems continue across the narrative of law courts all too often too... but these are big issues I want to talk more about another time...

For now, just know: nothing that you have done makes it your fault; you aren't alone; and we believe you.