Examining Henry Cavill's interview comments about #metoo harassment (plus his recent apology) and exploring the male viewpoint on sexual violence (much against my natural instinct...)
I'd like to introduce you to Knee-jerk Lizzy. You might have met her at a party, prosecco in hand, making sweeping statements about boycotting films after #metoo. She has what I've now accepted as permanent incredulity lines etched into her forehead from reading about #notallmen, and told her mum, without even pausing to think, that artist Eric Gill's museum should be burnt to the ground for the abuse his daughters suffered.
[NB for an interesting look at how the museum is tackling this issue, read this Rachel Cooke Guardian article]
Knee-jerk Lizzy is fun to be, if not always fun to be around. And she definitely had many views in light of Henry Cavill's GQ comments, albeit not particularly thought out, or nuanced.
Here's a reminder of what Superman had to say.
[In the interests of honest journalism, I should probably highlight that Henry Cavill has been my long-standing celebrity crush, and I felt somehow personally betrayed by his recent comments. The Henry I perved over was definitely (in my head) the very woke-est and most feminist man in Hollywood. With great cheekbones comes great responsibility.]
When asked how #MeToo affected him, Cavill said that while society "had to change" regarding the treatment of women, he now worried about how his flirtations would be perceived.
I'm trying so hard not to be Knee-jerk Lizzy anymore, but really all I want to do is type a line of that neutral-faced, slightly buggy-eyed emoji under these comments.
KJL would roll her eyes (causing those forehead lines to crease ever-deeper) and say something like: 'Well thanks for that, Henners. It's really great to know how a rich, powerful, white man feels about something for a change - it doesn't do to bottle these things up, after all. It would be a shame to use your worldwide platform to help those with less privilege feel heard, or show your respect for the #metoo movement and how it's enabled men and women to open up about vile experiences.
'And, after all, what we're so guilty of doing is making the movement about women, when really what we want to know is "but how does this affect poor MEN?" It's such a shame that vital openness around sexual violence is cramping your dating style.'
And as much fun as it would be to write an entire article in that style - and as much as it upsets me that the narrative in his head isn't 'god, wouldn't it be awful to accidentally make a woman feel uncomfortable' but 'poor me, I can't behave in the way I always have now' - it's not entirely fair, is it?
For one thing, it's to deliberately misinterpret what he says. Yes, it's badly phrased, but he was speaking to an interviewer, probably in a rush between work commitments, and we're all guilty of saying things clumsily during a chat. Knee-jerk Lizzy is constantly putting her foot in it, or saying things even she's not entirely sure she believes.
Also, my husband and I have decided that, in Henry's case, dating probably is a bit more complicated than for most men (tiny violin). After all, he probably meets most women at work (whether producers, writers, make up artists, etc. His last girlfriend was a stuntwoman) but while at work, there will always be a massive power imbalance (which is a LOT of the #metoo problem). For Hollywood stars (or rich producers/dickbags like Harvey Weinstein) it's impossible to have a work flirtation and know for certain that it's not being perceived as harassment. The very nature of the job means a woman working for you can't exactly complain about your behaviour (which you may perceive as reciprocal flirtation) without risking redundancy. Therefore our advice to Henry is, don't date/flirt within work. Try to meet women in an environment with no power imbalance, and ideally where you know for certain they are interested in dating, eg being set up by friends, or dating agencies/online dating. The same advice might work well for normal men who are worried about the implication of #metoo - dating and flirting don't have to go out of the window, but it might help to set your eye on women who have given the green light to meeting a man in a romantic way, if you're at all concerned.
If I'm really honest about what Henry is trying to get across, there's actually a lot of truth in it. For one thing, that the internet is a bit of a minefield (and the liberal media aren't always exactly forgiving when there's an opinion piece to be written) and that celebrities tend to be placed firmly in the 'abuser' or 'not abuser' camps, without necessarily much evidence. I mean, this whole story is a case in point. No one has come forward with any kind of claim against Henry, but because of his comments about 'chasing' women (which admittedly are clumsy, but again, just naive rather than predatory IMO) he's now placed himself firmly in the 'abuser' pile for many. It's actually quite ironic, when the whole point of his comments was how frightened he was about doing so.
A lot of the reaction has made me think about the marvellous Jon Ronson book So You've Been Publicly Shamed which is all about how the mad polarised nature of the internet can ruin lives - highly recommended, if terrifying, reading.
I'm as guilty as anyone, if not more so. I frequently write off male celebrities for much less, with a 'no smoke without fire' mentality. I was incensed (ok, still am) over Matt Damon's refusal to stfu over #metoo and where poor old men fit in, without really listening to the point he was trying to make.
I have to say, it's a real effort to defend Henry's comments in the current climate, because it's constantly being done. I am heartily sick of powerful men being asked their opinions on #metoo, because to me the spirit of the movement is exactly the opposite - it's about listening to the silenced voices. We don't need a platform for Hollywood's elite to air their views - their jobs are entirely for that. We need spaces for the abused to express their experiences without being interrupted by 'but what about me??' BUT part of this is my problem. The part of me who talks without thinking, and refuses to listen to people I've decided don't deserve an opinion.
This was highlighted starkly when a friend messaged me to say she'd seen my blog, and wanted to tell me about her own experience of rape. I was so flattered and honoured that she was able to open up in that way to me. At the end of our correspondence, she added that she felt sorry for men these days, because the waters were so muddied, and some of her friends were afraid of where the limits were - whether they were allowed to hug women, etc.
I was slightly bowled over that a woman who had just told me she'd experienced the worst male violence, immediately started worrying about how men were affected by #metoo. To be honest, I'm not sure how to feel - other than she's a much more generous person than me.
My own view tends to be that yes, it is sad if some normal, nice men are anxious about where they stand now. But, in my opinion, if that's the price we pay for knowledge of the importance of consent, then so be it. I'd rather a woman feels able to pull out of a sexual encounter she was uncomfortable about than a man feels confidently able to hug any woman he's ever met.
But...as much as it pains me to admit...there probably is a conversation we need to have with men. My husband pointed out that, as much as it might annoy both of us, Henry's views are a reflection of how many normal men feel today. He also points out (god, I hate when he's right) that we can't solve rape without communicating properly with men. And I can't really go around being angry about (some) men's refusal to listen to women, without being prepared to take a deep breath, count to ten, and listen to the male perspective without judgement. (Although bloody hell it's difficult. And I draw the line at Matt Damon. Shut up, Matt.)
Anyway, I've digressed slightly. We may not know how all men feel, but we do know how Superman feels. Yesterday Henry apologised for his comments, saying:
As apologies go, it's not bad. (Take note, Morgan Freeman) He is at least saying sorry for being insensitive, and while he's aiming some blame at the journalist, I actually think that's probably fair. After all, I'm sure the writer knew what a political grenade they were lobbing when they published, and also that it's unlikely Henry meant to come across as quite such a bellend.
I'm in a bit of a dither over the last line, because Knee-jerk Lizzy is biting her tongue so hard it's bleeding ('What a relief to know the entitled male has MORE to add on this issue, we'll be waiting with baited breath!') the more rational Lizzy, who knows sexual violence isn't such a black and white issue, thinks that it will be good for him - and many other men - to go away and think about the issues, and come back with a more considered viewpoint.
So I've done a lot of talking, and a bit more than normal of listening, and I'm really keen to hear from the men in my life. Male readers, please do let me know how you feel in the light of #metoo. Has it changed how you behave around women? Does it make you anxious, like Henry? Or do you think his comments are old fashioned? Please do let me know (I promise Knee-jerk Lizzy won't read your comments).
And of course, the most important question is - is it still ok to have a crush on Superman?
I'd like to introduce you to Knee-jerk Lizzy. You might have met her at a party, prosecco in hand, making sweeping statements about boycotting films after #metoo. She has what I've now accepted as permanent incredulity lines etched into her forehead from reading about #notallmen, and told her mum, without even pausing to think, that artist Eric Gill's museum should be burnt to the ground for the abuse his daughters suffered.
[NB for an interesting look at how the museum is tackling this issue, read this Rachel Cooke Guardian article]
Knee-jerk Lizzy is fun to be, if not always fun to be around. And she definitely had many views in light of Henry Cavill's GQ comments, albeit not particularly thought out, or nuanced.
Here's a reminder of what Superman had to say.
[In the interests of honest journalism, I should probably highlight that Henry Cavill has been my long-standing celebrity crush, and I felt somehow personally betrayed by his recent comments. The Henry I perved over was definitely (in my head) the very woke-est and most feminist man in Hollywood. With great cheekbones comes great responsibility.]
When asked how #MeToo affected him, Cavill said that while society "had to change" regarding the treatment of women, he now worried about how his flirtations would be perceived.
I think a woman should be wooed and chased, but maybe I'm old-fashioned for thinking that. It's very difficult to do that if there are certain rules in place. Because then it's like: 'Well, I don't want to go up and talk to her, because I'm going to be called a rapist or something.'So you're like, 'Forget it. I'm going to call an ex-girlfriend instead, and then just go back to a relationship, which never really worked.'[Urm, does anyone else think that this might not make him very desirable to old girlfriends? 'Sorry honey, I know things ended badly, but it's being with you or being a rapist, so here I am!']
But it's way safer than casting myself into the fires of hell, because I'm someone in the public eye, and if I go and flirt with someone, then who knows what's going to happen?
I'm trying so hard not to be Knee-jerk Lizzy anymore, but really all I want to do is type a line of that neutral-faced, slightly buggy-eyed emoji under these comments.
KJL would roll her eyes (causing those forehead lines to crease ever-deeper) and say something like: 'Well thanks for that, Henners. It's really great to know how a rich, powerful, white man feels about something for a change - it doesn't do to bottle these things up, after all. It would be a shame to use your worldwide platform to help those with less privilege feel heard, or show your respect for the #metoo movement and how it's enabled men and women to open up about vile experiences.
'And, after all, what we're so guilty of doing is making the movement about women, when really what we want to know is "but how does this affect poor MEN?" It's such a shame that vital openness around sexual violence is cramping your dating style.'
And as much fun as it would be to write an entire article in that style - and as much as it upsets me that the narrative in his head isn't 'god, wouldn't it be awful to accidentally make a woman feel uncomfortable' but 'poor me, I can't behave in the way I always have now' - it's not entirely fair, is it?
For one thing, it's to deliberately misinterpret what he says. Yes, it's badly phrased, but he was speaking to an interviewer, probably in a rush between work commitments, and we're all guilty of saying things clumsily during a chat. Knee-jerk Lizzy is constantly putting her foot in it, or saying things even she's not entirely sure she believes.
Also, my husband and I have decided that, in Henry's case, dating probably is a bit more complicated than for most men (tiny violin). After all, he probably meets most women at work (whether producers, writers, make up artists, etc. His last girlfriend was a stuntwoman) but while at work, there will always be a massive power imbalance (which is a LOT of the #metoo problem). For Hollywood stars (or rich producers/dickbags like Harvey Weinstein) it's impossible to have a work flirtation and know for certain that it's not being perceived as harassment. The very nature of the job means a woman working for you can't exactly complain about your behaviour (which you may perceive as reciprocal flirtation) without risking redundancy. Therefore our advice to Henry is, don't date/flirt within work. Try to meet women in an environment with no power imbalance, and ideally where you know for certain they are interested in dating, eg being set up by friends, or dating agencies/online dating. The same advice might work well for normal men who are worried about the implication of #metoo - dating and flirting don't have to go out of the window, but it might help to set your eye on women who have given the green light to meeting a man in a romantic way, if you're at all concerned.
If I'm really honest about what Henry is trying to get across, there's actually a lot of truth in it. For one thing, that the internet is a bit of a minefield (and the liberal media aren't always exactly forgiving when there's an opinion piece to be written) and that celebrities tend to be placed firmly in the 'abuser' or 'not abuser' camps, without necessarily much evidence. I mean, this whole story is a case in point. No one has come forward with any kind of claim against Henry, but because of his comments about 'chasing' women (which admittedly are clumsy, but again, just naive rather than predatory IMO) he's now placed himself firmly in the 'abuser' pile for many. It's actually quite ironic, when the whole point of his comments was how frightened he was about doing so.
A lot of the reaction has made me think about the marvellous Jon Ronson book So You've Been Publicly Shamed which is all about how the mad polarised nature of the internet can ruin lives - highly recommended, if terrifying, reading.
I'm as guilty as anyone, if not more so. I frequently write off male celebrities for much less, with a 'no smoke without fire' mentality. I was incensed (ok, still am) over Matt Damon's refusal to stfu over #metoo and where poor old men fit in, without really listening to the point he was trying to make.
I have to say, it's a real effort to defend Henry's comments in the current climate, because it's constantly being done. I am heartily sick of powerful men being asked their opinions on #metoo, because to me the spirit of the movement is exactly the opposite - it's about listening to the silenced voices. We don't need a platform for Hollywood's elite to air their views - their jobs are entirely for that. We need spaces for the abused to express their experiences without being interrupted by 'but what about me??' BUT part of this is my problem. The part of me who talks without thinking, and refuses to listen to people I've decided don't deserve an opinion.
This was highlighted starkly when a friend messaged me to say she'd seen my blog, and wanted to tell me about her own experience of rape. I was so flattered and honoured that she was able to open up in that way to me. At the end of our correspondence, she added that she felt sorry for men these days, because the waters were so muddied, and some of her friends were afraid of where the limits were - whether they were allowed to hug women, etc.
I was slightly bowled over that a woman who had just told me she'd experienced the worst male violence, immediately started worrying about how men were affected by #metoo. To be honest, I'm not sure how to feel - other than she's a much more generous person than me.
My own view tends to be that yes, it is sad if some normal, nice men are anxious about where they stand now. But, in my opinion, if that's the price we pay for knowledge of the importance of consent, then so be it. I'd rather a woman feels able to pull out of a sexual encounter she was uncomfortable about than a man feels confidently able to hug any woman he's ever met.
But...as much as it pains me to admit...there probably is a conversation we need to have with men. My husband pointed out that, as much as it might annoy both of us, Henry's views are a reflection of how many normal men feel today. He also points out (god, I hate when he's right) that we can't solve rape without communicating properly with men. And I can't really go around being angry about (some) men's refusal to listen to women, without being prepared to take a deep breath, count to ten, and listen to the male perspective without judgement. (Although bloody hell it's difficult. And I draw the line at Matt Damon. Shut up, Matt.)
Anyway, I've digressed slightly. We may not know how all men feel, but we do know how Superman feels. Yesterday Henry apologised for his comments, saying:
Having seen the reaction to an article, in particular about my feelings on dating and the #MeToo movement, I just wanted to apologise for any confusion and misunderstanding that this may have created. Insensitivity was absolutely not my intention.
In light of this I would just like to clarify and confirm to all that I have always and will continue to hold women in the highest of regard, no matter the type of relationship whether it be friendship, professional, or a significant other. Never would I intend to disrespect in any way, shape or form.
This experience has taught me a valuable lesson as to the context and the nuance of editorial liberties. I look forward to clarifying my position in the future towards a subject that is so vitally important and which I wholeheartedly support.
As apologies go, it's not bad. (Take note, Morgan Freeman) He is at least saying sorry for being insensitive, and while he's aiming some blame at the journalist, I actually think that's probably fair. After all, I'm sure the writer knew what a political grenade they were lobbing when they published, and also that it's unlikely Henry meant to come across as quite such a bellend.
I'm in a bit of a dither over the last line, because Knee-jerk Lizzy is biting her tongue so hard it's bleeding ('What a relief to know the entitled male has MORE to add on this issue, we'll be waiting with baited breath!') the more rational Lizzy, who knows sexual violence isn't such a black and white issue, thinks that it will be good for him - and many other men - to go away and think about the issues, and come back with a more considered viewpoint.
So I've done a lot of talking, and a bit more than normal of listening, and I'm really keen to hear from the men in my life. Male readers, please do let me know how you feel in the light of #metoo. Has it changed how you behave around women? Does it make you anxious, like Henry? Or do you think his comments are old fashioned? Please do let me know (I promise Knee-jerk Lizzy won't read your comments).
And of course, the most important question is - is it still ok to have a crush on Superman?
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